Where to begin…

My aunt died last July 3rd. She was like a mother to me as most people who knew me would know. I even decided I loved her more than my biological parents. Yes, both parents.

Why am I writing this three months after she died, in the middle of the night as I’m trying to sleep? It may be possible that my mind just decided it’s time to fill up that space. Honestly I was never planning to write about it. It was too depressing and personal to make a blog post about.

But here I am, couldn’t sleep. Trying to turn my mind off, calm my heart best. Still my heart was lost somehow. The room is quieter and cleaner without her around. My life is in utter chaos, though. I have no purpose, I don’t know what to hold on to anymore.

She’d be a rock. She was my rock. Everything I did had a reason because of her. My wins were for her. My failures, too. Things had an underlying cause which is to keep her alive and take care of her but now, I don’t have any. I’m just in distraught and pain for no reason.

I don’t wish her back. Of all people, I know damn well she’s suffered enough. I would have wished she lived longer– been my aunt longer. The months before she passed she was drifting away as my aunt and I felt angrier every single day. Because in the end, there was nothing we could do to make her any better. We’ve exhausted all ways to get her back into shape and it felt like we failed. I failed.

There’s no lesson so far. It’s just my anger turned into sadness. Nothing– my mind would say I feel. Nothing. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I’m on the verge but my tearducts might have already dried up.

Still my heart yearns for her to be well and happy at the last days of her life. I think we did a pretty good job with that with all her requests being given to her! I spoiled her, no doubt! But she spoiled me better, I couldn’t win at that. She loved us the way we needed to be loved and forever people will envy that. Because at the end of the day, she didn’t have to. She wasn’t obligated to but she loved us with all of her heart and I’ll be eternally grateful.