Sowing Seeds

“Huwag kang magtatanim ng galit,” my grandma used to say. She said if I did anything, it was to never sow seeds of anger in my heart. To her, keeping grudges was a mortal sin. I remember using that against her as a kid, but I don’t exactly remember how or what was said. All I remember was throwing tantrums, acting like a brat, and knowing I hurt her feelings because of what I said.

I remembered that today because of what someone said in passing. We were watching an episode of The Witcher, and it was that moment when Yennefer just turned up at the party, having gone through intense surgery, making her “prettier”. The King in this scene was mesmerized by her and left his original partner, a black woman, for Yennefer. This person had the gal to say the King left her for Yennefer because “she’s dark-skinned” or in my language, “Maitim ka kasi”. For what it’s worth, I think the King was mesmerized by Yennefer because of simply being a goth baddie and the black woman for being a basic bitch.

To be honest, I was taken aback but not surprised. I’ve heard this person say the same things before. If I may say so, it does offend me. I wanted so bad to say “So you think I’m ugly?” but I couldn’t. Not at that moment. I had to pick my battles and those weren’t worth it. But it still stung. I have grown to like myself even though it can be a struggle sometimes given the amount of colorism I had to hear and see my entire life. The number of times I looked at myself and thought that I could be prettier if only I had lighter skin popped into my head and having to vanquish that is a habit I’m still having a hard time committing. Even now that I’m a mom I keep thanking God for giving my baby a lighter skin tone because I wouldn’t wish for her to go through what I’ve gone through, even though that’s me hating myself again. It’s exhausting.

That’s why I go back to what my grandmother used to say, never sow seeds of anger in your heart. Thinking about it now, it seems more like a self-serving tactic. So that no matter what people do to us, i.e. figures of authority, we would never fight back. Never holding grudges is just a tactic by the older generation so we forget whatever pain they’ve inflicted. If your heart was “free” from anger, you never remember what hurt and you will always see these people as good and kind and would never hurt you, when in fact they did.

My mother’s side of the family was pro-Marcos and it honestly fits. They don’t care what this monster of a family did to the rest of the Philippines, as long as it doesn’t apply to them. They don’t remember because they don’t want to. They would rather believe that these corrupt greedy motherfuckers were good and kind just because they got a simple handshake and a wink. They don’t remember because they were taught that sowing seeds of anger in your heart was wrong. Must be something my grandfather lectured his family with because I’ve heard stories of him and his tyranny but not in detail. Because he enforced the rule himself. He sowed that culture into his kids and his wife because that way they can never see him for what he actually is, an abuser and a cheater. I feel bad talking about him this way because I only remember good things about him. But from what my mom said when she was angry (which was a lot), her dad was a tyrant who laid hands on his wife and kids and had cheated on her many times. It’s disappointing but I’m glad now that at least my mom held those seeds of anger towards her father. Because at least I know the truth. At least, I didn’t have an idealized version of him in my head that he does not deserve.

Enough of going out of tangent, I simply will keep my heart clean of anger but remember that being dark-skinned is something I should be proud of. I should be maitim and proud. I need to like myself now more than ever because I have a daughter to raise. I cannot raise a daughter through the lens of insecurity and self-hate. She doesn’t deserve that. And if I do something that would hurt her and she holds it in her heart for many years, that should be something I should work on, not something she has to persuade herself to forget.