I’ve been in the research industry for– maybe over 5 years now, that’s already minus my shtick in journalism. In those five years, I’ve done lots, from house-to-house interviews with Overseas Filipino Workers to coding survey questionnaires used by international companies to find out whether or not their employees are happy enough to stay. Investigatory Writing, FGDs, Transcribing, Market Research, Governmental Research, you name it, been there, done that.
Then I got here, to Statistical Analysis. I’ve always liked the thought of creating business models. Having gotten here, it’s tougher than I assumed it would be. I’m no mathematician. My SATs or whatever aptitude test scores were always average on Math. I do love Math, but Math never loved me.
Meanwhile, I don’t even know if I’m any good at writing. I write things on a whim. I write to de-stress. My therapist finds it a creative channel to calm myself down and organize my thoughts. One of the side effects of PTSD or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder is overthinking all the time. It’s like your mind is on fight or flight mode every second of everyday. Anyway, I’m not a very good fit–mentally and emotionally–for this career.
Sometimes, I imagine I’d be more of an artisan. A career in creatives. As I’ve mentioned, I can be more of a right-brained based on my lack of logic, figuratively and literally. Please note that however low my capability is to absorb logic, I’m pretty good with theories. I’ve always been good at grasping concepts and ideas. I’m just not very good at applying them. I wish I had more focus. Again, another side effect of PTSD. I hope when I finally get my psychiatric referral they’d give me something to counter that.
Being as messy as I am, I know I’m not fit at this line of work especially when I started. I said I knew Tableau–but I barely did. I said I knew a bit of coding but I only knew some tricks on Excel, not even all of them. I kind of feel my boss had felt betrayed somehow by hiring me. I mostly feel like a disappointment.
But then again, they hired me. I’ve been in this job for a year now. Congratulations to me, for the first time, I got the job I’ve always wanted and I’m being treated fairly and compassionately. I don’t want to lose my job. It’s the best I’ve had in a long time.
And sometimes, let’s say occasionally, I feel my boss does believe in my capabilities. A real leader, they really are. Maybe this entire post is a tribute to them instead of the actual syndrome. Again, I’m one lucky bastard, and yes I’m an actual bastard.
That photo I took, and some of the others I’ve posted on this page, were reminders of my eye for beautiful things. And maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be thriving at. But maybe it’s something to remind myself that one can be multi-faceted and that I can do anything as long as I’m nurtured well. As long as I’m treated with respect, they won’t be able to get rid of me. 🤭
The Variables of Jums 