I drank Bleach

Half a cup of Domex, half a cup of water. Drink that solution. And then drink milk.

Somebody gave me those milk boxes I didn’t ask for. But it all started when a phone call wasn’t answered, messages with no replies. Multiple people asked for help with no one in sight.

It started out pretty much normally. I cry a lot when I’m frustrated. I was alone in my suburban house, an hour away from the city. I had my cats with me, I think. I came home from work and arrived at my place at around late evening. I didn’t shower, I went straight to feeding myself and the cats and then smoking half a pack of cigarettes.

Whenever I smoked before, there’s most likely a glass of iced tea I’m drinking. It calms my throat when I smoke. Personally, that works for me.

It’s almost been a year since my aunt was in and out of the hospital. I was about to lose my job. I eventually did a month after this incident. We were under massive debt. It felt lonely having to think about these things on my own. The next day after this incident, my family called me and my friends kept checking up on me. For a while, they thought I was a bomb waiting to explode again. It felt embarrassing.

So I got home, cleaned the cats, had a meal, started smoking. A little down to my 8th cigarette, I started calling my boyfriend then. He wasn’t answering, I left a few messages but no answer. I texted a couple of my friends but they didn’t answer either.

Formula was supposed to just be the thick bleach but I was afraid I won’t be able to handle the taste so I made it to one part bleach and one part water. All of that happened without much thinking. I just wanted to die. I wanted a quick way to end my life and this was what I came up with that time.

A few minutes later they started calling me and my then significant other came by with two boxes of milk. My friends called my family, I think. Called my boyfriend too, probably that’s why he came by. They were the ones I talked to on the phone the entire time my stomach was on fire. I was saying goodbye to people. I called my first boyfriend that time and he answered me, but I wouldn’t talk. That time I was thinking of saying “Hey, I was unhappy and I thought you would be happy to know that that attempt I did years ago when I was with you happened again and it wasn’t blades this time. Surprise: You weren’t the problem ever! And none of it was blackmail! Maybe stop telling people I blackmailed you, to keep yourself from guilt?”

Anyway I didn’t say anything, I just kept silent and waited for him to hang up.

Anyway, so the two milk cartons arrived with my then boyfriend. I told him to leave and he left. My friends got mad at him but I didn’t tell him they did. Few months later we broke up. It was more of he was becoming more cold and I didn’t wanna keep being in a relationship without a future.

My family started walking on egg shells with me for a few months. My friends have never made jokes about it and I love them unconditionally for that.

Bleach tastes bitter. It’s the type of bitter that had a tang in it, it went straight up your nostrils and up your eyes. I couldn’t thank my ex-boyfriend enough for saving me. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have met my husband. And that’s something I can never repay.

In case I try to kill myself again, which I’m not very much into at the moment, I wouldn’t go for bleach again. I’ll go for Lysol, something I’ve always wanted to taste.

In case you’re looking for ways to die, please don’t. I’m not asking you what to do with your life and your body. I’m just asking you to try again. Try one more time. It’s a bad year, but you’re not a bad person. Kill someone instead.